blog

may 17, 2010

8th Floor member Nathan Varrone and 8th Floor Alumn, Lindsey Smith, demonstrate one of the seven deadly sins, PRIDE. Directed and Edited by 8th Floor Alumn, Kyle Bethea.

Watch it here!

april 28, 2010

8TH FLOOR’S DAN WHITE BREAKS OSU RECORD

Dan White, one of the newest members of 8th Floor Improv, recently broke the OSU indoor 800m school record with a 1:48.2! Click here to watch Ryan from Flotrack interview Dan about his experience and the challenges ahead.

april 9, 2010

The Lantern: Updating Highlights Magazine for Next Generation

             by Mark Hale Jr.

Dear Highlights magazine,

I’ve been a fan of your fine publication for quite some time. So much so that I’ve continued my subscription these past 15 years. However, I’ve noticed a growing flaw in your fine magazine: Highlights has not aged at all! The important life lessons of sharing and consideration for my friends and family are the same. I looked to your informative and thought-provoking articles for guidance through some of the trickiest social issues imaginable. Thanks to your inspiring words, I never complained when I was not given a gift at a friend’s birthday party, and I always made sure to salute my local police chief. But that’s where the lessons end. I think it’s time your wonderful publication stepped into the “18-and-up” demographic. Here are a few suggestions:

Update your image. Yes, watercolors of mice and raccoons having tea are nice, but where’s the eye-catching appeal of the latest natural disaster to hit a developing community, or scandalized politician? Time and Newsweek make a killing every week with powerful, attention-grabbing images of the most pressing current events. This would inevitably force an update to the content of your magazine. Give us hard-hitting journalism, not about animals that may one day possibly be endangered, but about the real lives of the men and women in our capitol. The American public longs for gripping, visceral reading, and now is the time for Highlights to catch up with the rest of the literary world.

Create new riddles, puzzles, and brain-teasers. We adults like to read hard, and we like to play harder. Give us a challenge once in a while! For example, your July 2007 issue featured the following puzzle: “What do these three words have in common: Ocean, Lake, River?” Now, the solution is obvious (boats work in all three), but I prefer to be challenged. Give me a good old-fashioned Cryptogram or even more of what we loved as kids with a “grown-up” flourish. Give us three random objects (such as a blender, a staple gun and the Constitution) and force us to make connections.

Give us some new life lessons. We learned not only how to read, write, and “Rithmatize” from Highlights, but also how to live better. Today’s adults are in constant need of guidance, and your fine writers are more than prepared to give it to them. Give us health and wellness tips. Suggest stocks. Make playoff predictions. We 20- to 70-somethings will take just about any advice we can get.

On that note, your classic “Goofus and Gallant” segment could stand to be updated. Maybe change it to “Blegojevich and Pelosi” or “Hilton and Ritchie and everyone else.” Keep the same format, but jazz it up for the more enlightened and mature readers: “Blagojevich thinks it’s okay to misrepresent the entire state of Illinois as money-hungry politicians, but Pelosi keeps her state’s reputation clean,” or “Hilton and Richie go on three-day benders, ultimately ending up in property damage and scandal, everyone else doesn’t.”

I’ve enjoyed your incredible magazine for years, and, with these suggestions, I can ensure that this will continue well into our old ages.

Sincerely,

Matthew Alan

                   Check out the column on The Lantern’s website!

                   Comment and spread the word!             

march 30, 2010

All of us have little people in our heads who write the dreams we see at night. This is a movie pitch that took place at Dreamworx in John Hamilton.

“Good morning, gentlemen.”

“Good morning.”

“What have you got for me today?”

“Okay we’ve got a horror script. John is walking on a green beach when all of the sudden a giant lobster monster rises from the sea and eats his mother.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Lobsters live in the ocean. This is way too logical for Dreamworx.”

“Okay well what if we made the lobster monster into a koala vampire?”

“Hmm… a blood sucking marsupial? Now we’re talking irrationally! What happens next?”

“Then guess who comes running from the shore to save the day? David Hasselhoff!”

“David Hasselhoff? But he fits that role perfectly. How about John’s 3^rd grade teacher Mrs. Manford? In a bikini! Running in slow motion like an episode of Baywatch!”

“You mean that old fat lady with the six fingers on each hand?”

“Yes, but let’s give her a hundred fingers per hand!”

“Okay but I feel bad making John see her in a bikini. How about in the end she transforms into John’s junior prom date hottie that he tried to hook up with but she went home with another guy? And she gets totally naked!”

“Get out of my office now! What do you think this is? PUBERTY!?!? We don’t make wet dreams anymore! Good day gentlemen.”

Nemo’s “head” writers spit a piece of genius.

march 7, 2010

The Lantern: Jesus Loves You, But Not That Much

by Nate Varrone

OK, you guys are making it really hard to be perfect right now. I think there a few people out there that don’t quite get my purpose or why I’m here on this Earth. I mean, I am really close to losing it right now.

Breathe, Jesus. Breathe. You’re the “Prince of Peace,” remember? Just be calm. Whew. Sorry.

All right, let me reiterate this one more time — I’m the son of God, and I was sent here to save humanity. However, I would like to say this: I know for a fact that I was not sent here to turn your fraternity’s pond into a pool of wine so you can have “the raddest time of all time.” I’ve seen the billboards: “those who host lose the most.” As the Host, I have a lot to lose, guys, OK?

Oh, and I’m not going to add another chapter to The New Testament titled “Chad.” It’s Matthew, Mark, Luke and definitely not Chad, Dave, or Bow-Legged Steve. That chapter would be totally irrelevant to the message I’m trying to convey! What would that chapter even be about? How we got drunk and then proceeded to throw various fruits at the leprosy-stricken homeless? As interesting and fun as that sounds, no, it won’t happen. Sorry, Chad.

Oh and by the way, my name is Jesus — not The Magical Wine Wizard — even though I do have long hair and a beard.

Biff’s Fish, Bread and Wine Restaurant: I love what you guys do. I love the food and wine; it’s great. But I will not partner with you.

Yes, I am aware that I fed more than 4,000 people with only five loaves of bread and two fish, and yes, I am aware that I have turned water into wine, and yes, I am aware that I would be the perfect asset to your business. However, I wasn’t sent to Earth to become a powerful restaurant tycoon.

Again, let me reiterate myself: I was sent here to save humanity, and saving them of hunger and sobriety does not count. I mean, do you really think God sent his only son to Earth just to start a lucrative restaurant chain? Like that was God’s master plan all along?

He created the heavens, the Earth, water, every plant, animal and human being just to see them all marvel at his boy’s seafood restaurant? Biff, you have got to be out of your frickin’ mind if you think you’re partnering with “The Lamb of God.”

I did walk on water once, this is true. But will I give up my mission of saving mankind’s sins to become a lifeguard at your local pool? Of course I will!

Just kidding. No, I won’t do that.

That’s a stupid idea. You’re right, I could have prevented Old Man Johnson from drowning … or I could save all of mankind. Old people shouldn’t even be swimming anyway! Plus, I have horrific tan lines; I wear a robe all day. No one wants to see that. No one.

Check out the column on The Lantern’s website.  Comment and spread the word!